I am a strict believer of the philosophy that "everything happens for a reason," despite the fact that my husband is not. However, I can't help but feel a bit depressed after (despite my reversal of vibes) the receipt of recent bad disappointing news. The news means that we won't necessarily be uprooting ourselves and moving to a foreign part of the country, and on one hand, that's great. Things will remain relatively normal (or actually, unstable and a bit unpredictable) for now. On the other hand, we really wanted that immediate forced change, and now if we want to make a change to our sad, staid patterns we'll have to create it ourselves. Have I mentioned this is not our strong point? Oh right, I have.
So, perhaps this didn't happen so that we could create the change on our own... and make modifications to our life and lifestyle to our own specifications. This might be our chance to really decide what it is we want from our life and where/how we'd like to live it. If only we knew where our next pay check would be coming from...
The vibes have been less than positive lately and I really must stop and switch it over. I've got to start sending out a positive set of vibes because I need them returned! I've been struggling with that, and desperately looking for a sign-- any sign-- to signal my hoping and praying was not in vain. And perhaps I have just received a sign. It was a little vague, but I think it was a sign. at least I hope so.
Things are not nearly as optimistic as they were previously... however a change is definitely in the cards. I've kind of resigned myself to the idea that things are never really going to go my way. Or at least the way I'd actually like them to go. I am trying to be more positive, but it's never really been a strength of mine. There are so many things about myself I'd like to change and my pessimism is definitely at the top of the list.
I think a fresh start is heading our way. I'm trying to send out as many positive vibes as I can in order to arrive at this new place. It would be really great to finally have one thing work out in our favor and be able to make a nice, clean break with all the crap and clutter. I do have to start counting my lucky stars, though. As I've said before we don't have it so bad. I've realized that in the past year, nearly all of my friends who were trying start families have had difficulty doing so, when we just said "let's have a baby..." and voila, we did. No voodoo, no nothing, just a good old college try, and now here she is a half-year old already. They haven't had to live through nearly all of the grief that I have in the past, so I suppose we're all even in the end, but it's probably petty to be "keeping score" that way.
A good friend of my lost a parent within the same six months that I lost my mom and we often talk about how sometimes it's the thing that defines us and that we feel as though when introducing ourselves we need to add that information as well. It's a strange feeling, because it's very awkward subject. No one expects you to say your parents are gone at our age. And people get really weird about it when they find out, overly apologetic. Which is better that the opposite, I guess.
Anyway, I think that a fresh start would be a way to cleanse myself of everything that's taken place in at least the past six years. Everything that's physically and mentally surrounding me only reminds me of what I've been through and not how it's made me stronger. It will be sad to be leaving behind the friends and family here, but I'm confident we would return again someday to something similar, but so much better.
I dream of simplicity. A simpler space, landscape, way of being. Free of clutter and burden. In the middle of the night, a few nights ago, in between baby cries and waking I exclaimed "When is my life not going to suck?!" In the morning I didn't mean it, I rarely ever do much to my embarrassment. It could be a lot worse, sure the last several years have been marked with loss, depression and financial woes, but they've also been blessed in certain other ways. We're a lot luckier than many I'm sure. I just long to be free of all the physical and mental clutter in my life, so that one day when I wake up I'll feel light.
My oldest friend is a bit of a lost soul. Totally doesn't have her shit together, and it really pains me to see such a really great person wander around so aimlessly. We're actually more like sisters than we are friends, were attached at the hip for the majority of our younger years. We were usually wearing some kind of matching ensamble, and took turns wanting to be exactly like the other (her the extravert, me the introvert). The mundane always ended up as a crazy adventure together... until we got to a certain again.
In only a few short years, she's relocated to half a dozen new locales, some more exotic than others, chasing one half-baked fantasy or another. Actually, running away seems to be a more apt description. Not that long ago, it started to look as though she was finally starting to grow out of the "phase" she seemed to be going through, actually starting to follow a slightly less crooked path. But suddenly she decided to up-end everything again to chase another adventure. And this time I'm worried.
I really don't know how to tell her to get her shit together, in the nicest, most sincere, concerned way. I also don't want to make her feel as if I'm being judgemental. I just kind of want to know what's going on with her. Why she's doing this and seemingly making life so much more complicated than it needs to be. I'm also just really worried that this time she get in over her head in something really awful. I feel like this time she could totally loose hope, or perspective, or plain good judgement and get trapped in something she won't be able to pull out of.
it's just been "one" of those few kinds of months. I haven't quite been in the driver's seat lately, and I've just left life take me where it wants me to go. Which is great, sometimes i much prefer that route, but suddenly I find myself miles down an unspecified road, looking back, with no idea how I got there. For better or for worse. (enough metaphors?)
well, thankfully it's been for better these days. Things I haven't had a chance to say much about, like the fact that i'm having a baby and have just (yes, this week) started a new job, are consuming my every moment. But it's great. I spent nearly two months moping about unemployed after the studio I worked for went out of bussiness, not knowing what wopuld happen next and watching entirely too much teevee. I am so teeveed out, it's really nice having a better excuse to turn it off and never look back.
I wish I actually had interesting things to say, instead of just whining endlessly. But this is where my head is at lately. I have so many things to be happy about, but I have done nothing but mope around the house for weeks. I cannot pull myself out from in front of the television or from this nasty funk. I can't stand to look at any of my art supplies and have decided that I'm through with the work for my upcoming show, and I don't want to work on anything for a while. Not until I can sort out all of the craziness in my head/world.
However, I did finally start to clean house today, which is always my default when I feel this way. Somehow clearing away the physical clutter in my life helps to sort out the mental and emotional clutter. It's tough though, hard to motivate myself to get up an do it at all. And today I'm in one of those moods where I just want to throw everything out. That may be what it takes though-- just chuck it. I have too much junk, I'd love to not be such a pack-rat and have a house as sparse and sparkling as a Crate & Barrel catalog. I don't even know where I accumulate it all from either. Yuck, it's gross. I think I'll walk around the house for the rest of the day with a garbage bag and just start tossing things at will.
